stares into space like a dead china doll

i've only been awake for an hour and a half, but i have only had coffee and water so far. this is a change from my habit of eating breakfast as soon as i wake up- though that has only been going on for a few months. i'd been waking up STARVING hungry and eating whatever i could get my hands on the quickest.

in a little while i will go to my old work, drop off my uniforms, pick up my secret santa gift, and have a light soy iced latte. that will fill me up, give me energy and be lighter in calories than the caramel mocha with extra fudge i usually get. i'll take a peanut butter sammich to eat on the train before work and that can be my only food for the day. then tonight at work i'll have a hot chocolate in my break and smoke alot.

i miss the good old days, when i relished the feeling of hunger. it pleased me. i never let myself get so hungry that i would pass out, and i always ate a couple times a day. but i would go to bed hungry, and allow hunger to develop fully during the day before eating something small and light. lately i have been going to bed feeling sick from overeating, and not allowing hunger to develop at ALL, i have been eating preemptively. no more.

tonight i weigh in at 66.9 kilos. that is more than just fluctuation, that is a definite gain. i will lose those 2 kilos within the week for sure, and then i am back on track to get to gw1 60k.

i have been trying hard to ignore my eating habits. but i have been eating like crap. binging i guess is the word, i am eating twice as often as any other person in my family, except maybe the 11month old baby who eats every couple of hours, but its close. and i am eating utter CRAP. and forgetting that i've eaten. the other day i went to breakfast with my sister. it was actually an early lunch, i got this huge serving of fish and chips, a coke and two cappucinos. i told her that since i was working 1pm-10pm, it would probably be the only food i would get to eat. but by the time i had my break i'd forgotten about that big meal and figured i'd better get dinner. got a huge serving of nachos and a pepsi. later that night i got a hot chocolate and a box of chocolate waffles (i work at a chocolate cafe/shop, so i get a discount). way too much food, way too much unhealthy food, way too many calories, i felt utterly sick.

today i hate a date with jordan. i went into the city early to kill some time. went to a movie where i got popcorn and juice. afterwards i had a coffee with extra extra chocolate fudge and caramel syrup. doe dinner i had sushi, sugary iced tea, followed shortly by a mocha frappacino from starbucks and a choc dip/biscuits snack from the asian food store. i feel utterly sick.

so seeing as i am shortly (hopefully) going to be a student, i am going to endeavour to calorie "count" again. infrequent small meals. restricting. i'll be spending less money, losing more weight, feeling less sickly and most importantly, not stabbing my self esteem in the back by eating my feelings.

also it turns out my new job SUCKS. the manager is a grade a bitch, so are all the supervisors, the general staff are unfriendly- with a few exception- and i am not being given any opportunity to use my skills and prior experience within the company. they have me stuck on the floor, repetitively running out food and bussing tables like a bloody 15 year old who has never worked before, whislt the 15 yr olds who have never worked before are being pout straight onto register and shop. luckily my recent coffee shop manager put in a good word for me at their store where i have moved to and i have an interview on wednesday.it sounded like i was already hired and the meeting is to discuss the whens and wheres. but god i wish i knew NOW so i could quite this ridiculous waste of time chocolate shop.

cant wait for tomorrow. black coffee, diet coke, mineral water, raw veggies only.

its bene a while since i have posted here...or even read my friends page. i got sick of reading the same old things from teeny boppers who think they have the worst problems int he world because they have a crush on some guy who doesnt like them back...*sigh* i go offtrack.

anyways, i stopped visiting here because the people i was talking with werent posted here either. and i found it easier trying to live my life without speculating on it. i have tried moving my obsessive nature form thing to thing... trying not to let it settle too long on one thing to have too much of a harmful effect.

i did come close to admitting myself to hospital. but guilt on the silly inconveniences it would cause other people prevented me. theres a million things i could talk on what i have been doing the past few months, but i will just skip ahead to the most recent, and i feel, the most noteworthy.


life isnt a happy affair in this household. and to put it briefly, i blame myself for my fiances depression. i shouldnt be doing this, even though its true. i realised that if i am contributing to his unhappiness by being a certain way or not being certain things, then i have it in my power to change those things.

i am moving back to my parents. well technically, my parents and i are moving in with my brother.

my brother lives a very short distance from a store, part of chain that i used to work for interstate. the national manager actually called me when they were opening this store and asked me to manage it, but it was too far away. i am hoping that given they liked me enough to offer me amanagement job after i'd quit 5 years beforehand, they might take me on as a regular staff member.

i am going to study. i am going to enroll in soemthing law related and go to classes. no more illusions of distance education so i can work full time, etc. i dont do the work.so full time, face to face classes it is.

i will be living with people who know me to the very core and will not allow me to go without medical treatment and medication. they will go to great lengths to ensure i am not falling deeper into depression. people who i feel no need to lie to just to make sure they dont feel sad. not saying jordan doesnt support me, but i can fool him into thinking i am doing ok, becaus ei am trying to fool myself. parents are not so easily fooled.

so i am going to get my depression and anxiety dealt with.

i am going to work on my ED issues. no more starving myself and calorie restricting like crazy. no more eating my feelings at other times. i am going to find a way to exercise, eat better, lose this extra weight in a healhy way, and take care of my body so i deserve to inhabit it. no more looking bloated, haggard and old for my 27 years.

i am going to learn to roller skate and joing that damn roller derby team. i wont allow my fears to inhibit me anymore.

i am going to save money and have some security.

in short, i am going to become the person i most wish i could be. a person i deserve to be, a person Jordan wants and deserves to be with. the kind of person i maybe would already be if i hadnt allowed depression to win when i was just 15...

i am excited, but my heart also breaks. jordan and i are NOT breaking up, i would sooner die that choose to do that. we will remain engaged and endeavor to have "dates" as often as possible, what with us living 2 hours apart. and when we are prepared and ready, we will move in together again and will be the better for it. but i will miss him like crazy, and it will take much time to adjust to the change and the loneliness. and i am afraid that he will not wait for me, or that time and distance will separate us. i know i should stress on that now, i am doing what is best for myself, and therefore, our relationship, in the long run. but i cant help but cry at the idea that this could just be the start of a very slow break up. but i console myself with the knowledge that now i have felt this love with this person, i couldnt just throw it away for physical or immediate affections with another. if i couldnt have jordan, i shouldnt want another partner the rest of my life.

i am working on staying alive right now.

and not getting bigger.

nothing gets better if i get bigger.

everything gets better if i get smaller.

and everything gets infinitesimally better if i am dead.

but not thinking about that just now.trying anyway.

i have been dreaming about someone wanting me lately. the kind of dream i had when i was 10 and wanting to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or relationship of some sort. i find it incredibly sad that a 27 year old girl who is engaged is longing for that kind of base connection. told jordan tonight that i need more romance. attention, cuddles, compliments...but i have told him before and still get nothing... i sleep late trying to make these dreams last a bit longer...

the other day i dreamed of some guy holding my hand. HOLDING MY HAND that is all. and it almost made me cry. how can i be so lonely? how can he say he loves me and not want me at all? i dont get it.

i upset jordan big time this evening. we went to toowong for dinner, i stupidly ordered a veggie bugr combo (chips and diet coke) and it was hnorrible. no the chips were yummy, but the veggie "patty" was gross, and i felt so full it was yuk. jordan asked me where i wanted to go next and i said "to death". he told me it wasnt a very funny joke, to which i replied it wasnt a joke, and he got sad/quiet/cranky. which is understandable and fair enough...i just need him to know how i'm feeling at the moment. i cant seem to get the message across when i seriously tell him i'm not okay...but he cant seem to read between the lines and i cant tell him directly what i'm thinking, soo...it comes down to that.

i also told him i wanted to put a ban on junk food being in the house. of course, that wouldnt stop me from binging on whatever other food we might have, but it will help to regain my control. cause its when he brings home peanut m&m's or tells me he wants order 3 pizzas for dinner that is not helping me at all. but when i brought up this ban idea he got cranky cause he doesnt think he eats that much junk. but he does, hes just forgotten that its so junky because hes been eating that way for so long. and i told him i dont care what he eats, he can eat that stuff if he wants to, but he cant keep complaining about his body AND eating that way.

boo and snubs to junk food. i want to go and live on a deserted island where we could only eat fish and bananas.

i ate big time today... it is so weird that my appetite has returned. for dinner 1 ate 2 veggie sausages, 1 fried egg and a small portion of mixed vegetables. and i still want more eating. and today on my 10 min break (only get 1o0 mins on shifts less than 6 hours long) it was too busy for me to get my coffee and rink on my break, so i went to get a diet coke instead. all the shops were way busy except mcdonalds, but of course i bought a large fries on a whim. i think the fries alone are my total cal limit for the day! and i've had 2 small glasses of mandarine juice this evening too.

tomorrow i am working 1-9.30. i will get a coffee when i go in to work cause we have 2 hours of training straight up, so might have a half portion of porridge just to keep me going until my break. and then i'll take an apple and get a diet coke. it will be hard enough to just find the time to eat/drink that, and then when i get home i might try to plan to have an orange and a sugarfree hot chocolate.

friday i have a long function job, 8 hours, so i will get a coffee on the way, take an apple and a half peanut butter sammich for my break, and pick up a diet coke for then also. then when i get home, will maybe make a salad or a big batch of veggies. cause i am always hungry when i get home from work, but unless i go to bed really quickly, i end up wanting to eat. foo.

yesterday i ate

1 sachet of porridge for breakfast
1 large iced latte on skinny soy
2 veggie "snitzels" and a sachet of microwave peas, corn and veggies.
i punnet of strawberries

that is alot more than i planned on eating, but i was still hungry and am glad i stopped there.

iphone apps needs updating:16

who cares? not me!

phone bills is a month late.

who cares? not me!

cant afford to go to doctor to get more meds.

who cares? not me!


but i DO care that i couldnt afford to hit up maybe 5 different doctors in a day to get enough sleeping tabs or similar meds to end this shit.

who cares? no one. no fucking person cares about that crap. thats why i am posting about it in a journal that no one reads, in stead of updating the lj i've had since i was 17. cause if i posted this there, it would be SO obvious that no one cares that it would hurt my self esteem even more. at least here, i am not expecting anyone to read, let alone care. and so i am safe to rant and rant here.

but you're not

sometimes i hate having soul search time, and making realisations!

okay so, been thinking a lot and talking to jordan, trying to figure out what i want, in my life, career, and relationship. what is important, what is possible, what is logical, etc.

i am going to study at justice admin course whilst working full time, then study a law degree. probably part time, maybe some semesters full time. and hopefully get the degree done in 6-7 years. wedding plans will be taking even more of backseat, with it maybe happening in 5-6 years, finances depending. i advised jordan that there is a good chance that we will need to go thru ivf to have kids as i will be so old (like, probably about 37 or 38?). he didnt really believe that, telling me about some people that work with his dad who've had kids naturally at the age of 39. but i have had had plenty of unprotected sex, and spent 3 years trying to get pregnant with my ex husband, so i dont like my chances of being highly fertile. but i will just keep reminding him.

it was kinda annoying having this whole conversation with him. i was asking what he thought about doing things this way, and this is exactly the way he wanted to do things anyway (marriage and children somewhere in the DISTANT future), but he kept bringing it back to saying how unprepared we would be for marriage and children and such anytime in the next couple of years. i kept reminding him that this is not what we were talking about and that it wasnt an option for us, and the earliest we couldnt possibly have children anyway under any circumstances would be in like, 5 years so his reasons probably wouldnt be valid then, but he wasnt really getting it.

but i am happy with this new plan.and in the event that jordan ends up leaving me because i am such a boring, hideous girlfriend, then at least i will have already started working on bettering my own circumstances. i dont want a repeat of my last relationship where after 5 years with him, the only things that was changed in my life is that i'd been in a few more bands. no study, no qualifications, no proper career. i was so sidetracked with trying to create a family, that i has ignored myself.

but omg i desperately need to find a full time job. i cant do a single thing without money. and i just wanna get started.

okay so i have this costume party to go to. at the moment i am unsure about my costume, but i would LOVE to wear a metallic unitard!or something skin tight and revealing. all the women performers in the hair band/glam/hair metal days wore not much. so i am now going to eat very very little and work out at least 1000 calories everyday. it might mean hours on the treadmill, large amounts of bubbly water, metamucil fibre 3 times a day and 1 peice of fruit only, but i gotta do it! then i'll be down to 60 kilos and might just be able to pull off soemthing tight. woo!

yay

" Cass is empty. delete it?"

yes.

i am feeling terrible right now. i had bad dreams. in one, i was working as a food and bev waitress AND model (someone, my agency specialised in pretty girls that could service food!) and the function i was working was at the races. for decoration they had skinned and roasted whole DOGS, the way you would with pigs. they were just scattered around the lawn. i started vomiting and then passed out. the doctor on site came to check on me, and while i was passed out he started bitching about how ugly i was to the other models. of cours,e in real life i could never pass for a model, but in the dream i was pretty and i had lost SO much weight from not eating. but her was grabbing my breasts and stomach and making jokes about me being way too chubby to model. i wanted to scream at him about how i'd been starving myself for people like him, but i was passed out, so i couldnt.

and then in another dream, i slept with my ex from like, 8 years ago. and we were supposed to be with each other again, but then he started dating some other chick. and i was devastated. i was moping around and crying- i think we were supposed to be getting married or something. i was forcing myself to hang around with the same group of friends to try and show how he hasdnt hurt me, but oh my boy, he had. there was more to the dream but it is boring to write/read.

it just had alot of feeling, and i will have to spend the day thinking about what my brain is trying to tell me. because i cant tell that it draws parralells to my real life.

i cant tell if my relationship with jordan is not working, or if my depression and mental illnes is getting so abd its ruining my point of view.

1. get a full time job
2. enroll in Justice Administration course at Tafe
3. do 4-7 days raw food detox
4. get my calorie counter book back from mums house (or buy a new one) and count all calories everyday
5. strip the permanent colour from my hair and start working on getting it to look like my natural hair colour and be as healthy as it can.
6. get some facial cleansing wipes and be sure to clean my skin 2-3 times a day.
7. get regular sleep!- hard to do when i am working the function jobs, but will try to be in bed by 9.30 every night, lights out by 10.30!
8. visit the doctor to see about changing my medication to something better.

that is all for now. if i think about it too much i start listing all my goals for my entire life, and it depressed me! but these are some things i am hoping to achieve...well, asap really, but i think i can get most of them done within the next month. a few of them require money so i will need to wait until i get that job, but as soon as i have finished the cooked/pre packaged foods that i stocked up on this weekend, i will hit the raw detox, and i can start getting better sleep now too.

i have a dress up party in 2 weeks. trying to figure out how to prevent my outfit from looking goth,as it is a classic/glam rock party.

so i am thinking of doing a 4-7 day detox. just fresh vegetable and fruit juices, water with lemon juice, fresh fruit and vegetables. no cooked foods, nothing processed, no dairy, no protein bars, etc. i think it'd probably be tiresome but i feel like i need to clean out my system. i was considering water and juices only, but i don't think i would be very helpful at work on no food whatsoever. and i know i would lose a lot of weight by not eating for 4-7 days but that is not sustainable and it would only upset and derail me to see the numbers on the scale increase! but i figure uncooked, fresh foods will still be helpful to clean me out. i might have to research raw food recipes and plan a little, so i don't just end up eating apples for a week, cause that would suck. i am not a fucking horse!

my sister told me she is cleaning out her closet and finally getting rid of all her REALLY "skinny" clothes. i mean when she was a size 8 and weighed 55 kilos. she was tiny. i mean, i wanna be smaller than that, but she WAS tiny. and she's hung onto her clothes all this time because she hoped to get back there one day. and she might, but for now she is getting rid of some stuff and putting some aside for me. sure , i;ve lost weight, but i have NOT lost enough to fir into side 8-10 clothes! i would probably wear a loose 12. i am currently wearing size 14 pants which i bought only 2 months ago, and jordan describes them as my "clown pants" because they are so baggy. i dont want to buy new pants until i fit a size 10. and because i look so ridiculous it is a great motivator! i tell myself "hurry up and reach size ten, so you can stop looking so frumpy and swimming in your pants!"

so i might take some of the clothes as a bigger motivation to get to my goal weight and just be as small as i can be. i have maintained 65ish kilos for almost 2 weeks now, and i have been eating larger portions than i normally would, so i guess to maintain 65 kilos i need to eat maybe 900-1000 calories a day. time to scale it back to the 500 a day limit and cross my fingers that it will be enough to reach 50 kilos.

went out for dinner last night with some girlfriends. i was originally not going to the dinner cause i couldnt afford it, but because my friend was so time strapped we were catching up for a drink before her dinner. then she talked me into going to the dinner and shouting my meal. i had 1 serve of tuna and avocado sushi and tempura vegetables with 2 beers. so i am very happy that i hadnt eaten anything other than some cashews and 1 cookie beforehand.

but i have been having mochas at work. they are sooo tasty and they are free. i cant get long blacks because they take too long to drink. anyways, today i am going to try and eat very little. but i am at home all day with nothing to do. might try and organise some stuff. wash the dishes, shave my legs, apply fake tanner, all those things. and research a tafe course. after being insanely jealous when behjat posted about studying law, i realised i just keep coming back to wanting to study law. i've wanted it for over 10 years now, keep blowing it off with reasons why i cant. but now i've decided that they are reasons why i cant study law right NOW, but it doesnt mean i cant study law later in life! i want to have children and need to work alot to make enough money to live. so after we've had kids and they are at school or something, and financially we are in a better position for me to only work part time, then i will study law! so now i am looking at what i can do now to get into that kind of area. so thinking of doing a cert III in justice administration. i'm excited.

my friend noticed i'd lost weight. i've maintained the same weight round about for about a week now, or a bit longer, and i desperately need it to start dropping again. i just need to see it drop down to a 64-something. pleeeeeease.

well i had planned on fasting today to get back in the habit of only eating once or twice a day. but after staying up so late on the treadmill last night (and having trouble falling asleep afterwards) i was brain dead this morning. so i decided i would have a small mocha before work. thats not too bad. but then at work they decided to train me on cold drinks and i had to try every single one we made!

came home and had tomato on corn thins. will try not to eat anything until nighttime and maybe have an egg. boo.