stares into space like a dead china doll

i always start thge day off reasonably well. i have been awake for about 2 hours now, and all i have had is black coffee. but then later in the day i always end up eating more and more. like last night, i put these cheese, spinach and macdamia pastry things in the oven, planning on eating one. i would still be hungry (even though they were over 2000kj per serve!) but it would stop me from going snack crazy. but then my mum decided she was hungry and wanted me to make pasta with butter and pepper. there were some leftover veggies cut up form our stirfry last night so i cooked those and mised them into the pasta, and we shared out the 2 pastry parcels between 4 ppl and had buttery veggie pasta too. then my dad went and bought some chocolate, and i ate enough of it that i felt ill. its because i was watching a movie and not paying attention to my tummy.

but i am still down a kilo from 2 days ago. so, yay for that.

now i am feeling pretty hungry, but i wont enjoy eating toast/sammich/muesli enough to bother. i will only feel disappointed and end up getting some bad snacky while we're out. so i'll just wait til we go, we'll probably get a big coffee on the way which will tide me over til lunch, and then hopefully i can get something small and healthy.

orientation week starts tomorrow.

yay.

yeah i gaines a couple of the kilos i lost. but i have been better at controling msyelf...apart from when i was a binge moster over xmas. just out of boredom :(

but yesterday i got an inced latter for breakfast and a cheese and spinach roll. coffee ok, roll bad. i didnt even feel like eating it, but i was bored on the train (over 1 hour trip) and i ate about half. it was yukky by the time i got home so i wasnt even tempted to finish it. then my mum bought me another iced latte, but that took me all day to drink becaue my tummy still felt a bit crampy. about lunchtime i had some nacho cheese corn chips and a low carb beer, and by nightfall i felt really sick. like nauseated, headachey and shivery. i went to be about 7pm, slept through whatever dinner i might have had, woke up at 3am wanting lemonade- we had none, so just water.

back to sleep and got up at 10.30, had black coffee with splenda, scrambled eggs (3 whites, 1 yolk) with tomato sauce, and a little while later one banana.

i am not going to plan the rest of my day in terms of food, because i get scared that i will eat it and also whatever else we have in the cupboard. i'll have whatever dinner my mum/dad or i decide to cook, and if i get hungry i have 55cal cup of soup.

tomorrow i want the scales to show something lower than 65.6. but i am feeling pretty confident that it will, because i am making a point of trying to eat regularly, but low calorie. so that i wont turn into that binge monster again.

today i am going to meet with the guy at the school i might be going to. because my high school grades were so shit (i still dont understand why they make people take possibly the most importanty exams in their life when they are adolescent! NO ONE can handle things at that age, least of all depressed girls) i didnt get into the course i applied for, but i did get a palce in their foundation program. provided i pass, i am guarranteed a place in my chosen course.

only problem is, it is mega expensive! i can get help from the goivernment (andf then pay it back with heaps of interest), but the course and the first year program together exceed the limit that the government will pay. which means if i go ahead with it (and i want to) i will have to somehow come up with about $9000 within 2 years. sounds easy right? well maybe not easy, but doable. that could amoutn to saving $190 a fortnight, which wouold be hard, but if i work like a crazy poerson over holidays i could probably do it.

but then i think about how $9000 would be enough to get my teeth fixed up. that is wisdom teeth out, orthodontics, frenectomy, professional whitening, and probably a root canal or crown there too. or i could get a personal trainer, regular hair appointments, things that make girl feel pretty.

and then i remember that sure, i could save up to get my teeth done, but that means no study, full time work in minimum wage jobs, and no career.

so then its back to school for me. and i try to tell myself that going to this fancy schmancy school i have better chance of getting a well paid job at the end (from both quality education and corporate internships), and then i could afford to get ym teeth done without having to save for two whole years.

or i could go the much cheaper, but much longer route. th expensive school will get me a degree in 2 years, plus 1 year of foundation study. a regular uni would get me the same degree in 3 years, plus 1 year of tafe program, special tertiary admissions test, personal competencies essay, and that doesnt guarrantee me a place in the course, so i'd possibly even have to do a year of straight up arts and then transfer.

so 3 years and lots of money to pay back vs 5 years and a little less money to pay back.


hrm....

i'll probably go with the first option.at leat with the firstoption, i an apply for a scholarships to study laws and then really make the big bucks!

so i didn't get into the criminology coruse i applied for. my high school grades just werent high enough, which i knew, i was just hoping that being a private uni they'd be money hungry and take me anyways.

BUT, they did offer me a place in their pathway program, which, provided i pass, quarrantees me a place in the crim course next year. the course prepares you for studying at a university level and 2 of the units are from the crim course.

however, this one year course costs $15,000. i can get fee help from the government (the gov pays the uni, then you pay the goiverment back thru your wages for like, the rest of your life!), however this pathway course plus the crim course fees amount to almost $100,000. at the moment, the fee help limit is $84,000.

so i have to decide whether to forgo this offer in order to keep my fee help limit available to study the crim course, with no guarrantee that i'll get in at a later stage, or go for it and hope that $20,000 will fall out of the sky before i am kicked out of school?

ohhh help.

slept from 5am til 10am today. i had planned on waiting till my boy woke up so i could take him out for breakfast (for him, big ass coffee for me!) but i falled all asleepings.

so then when i awoke and i realised he had only rice and nasi goreng instant noodles to eat for the next week i said i was going to go buy him some foods. but he refused to let me pay for his purchases, and we checked out seperately, which means the food in my basket will not be touched by him, unless i can refrain from eating it before i go back to my parents tomorrow. i bought nacho cheese corn chips and spicy salsa, white and rye bread, soft drink and chocolate pudding for him. i bought bananas and broccoli for myself. but seeing as he went and bought more instant noddles and corn chips, i can envision a binge session this evening.

and what shits me is i feel like i have evry little self control, coupled with extreme boredom, which makes me think "well maybe i'll just eat whatever until school starts and then restrict properly again" cause i have nothing else to do. literally, i play stupid facebook games, check facebook status updates and my LJ friends page every 5 minutes, download movies, and watch tv. i should really be outside walking around and around for hours. but even though my boy and i arent actively hanging out together, i want to be close to him.

also, the anxiety issues prevent me from leaving the house without company or at least an important mission (like, go get coffee and bring back to house, asap).

gosh i am so bored. and still so scared that i wont get into the course and i have no Plan B and then i really may as well just crawl away and die because, really, what else is there?

i am so reprehensible.

just watched Funny People, i'm glad i didnt see it at the movies because i was seriously lolling and snickering the whole time. and i lvoed the character of daisy, check her stand up out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3gqQMbYh9o

nearly 2am and i am awake. i was like, an eating monster tonight. i feel like staying awake and watching these movies i downloaded, but theres a slight possibility that i'll be having an interview tomorrow to get into university. so maybe i should go to bed. i just feel like i wont sleep.boo and hiss.

when i moved out of this place i took my scales with me. they werent much help to me at the time, as it was over the xmas period and everything was about eating and drinking. and now, i have spent the past few days eating little, and i would probably see a difference on the scale, but i dotn have it here to cheer my spirit.

i did drink too much on saturday night, which would have been calories galore, and all the alcohol was taken into my system by the time i started vomiting the next morning. i ate hardly anything on sunday, a piece of toast and a few bites of some noodles with egg that my boy made me. also a few soft drinks- the sugar and the fizz are helpful during a hangover! monday i had a smallish coffee when i went to the movies, then had a proper serving of noodles with egg for dinner.

today i have this tummy ache and dont feel like eating would be a good idea, but maybe putting a food in there would be helpful. i dont know. i feel like eating some scrambled egg white with tomato sauce but we have no eggs.

still havent heard about school. i have no idea what i'll do if i dont get in. but hopefully i do, and if so, o-week starts 10th jan, and classes start 18th jan. id be really happy if my stomach area slimmed down a little, then i would been less self conscious. if i eat very little between now and then, and avoid soft drinks and alcohol, i think i could do it.i dont know about setting a goal weight to reach, but just having a slimmer tummy would be great.

it doesnt help that i am wearing jeans that are too big for me and are baggy. if i dont wear a belt they do stay up, but the ride very low and i can pull them off without unbuttoning. i wish i had some money to buy some good quality jeans, the kind that sit really well over the stomach area so you dont get a muffin top. boo i hate muffin top.

i'm going for a smoke.

my tummy ache is resulting in...well lets just say frequest visits to the bathroom. my boy is actually home from work today after suffering the same bathroom frequency for the past 4 days. he is going to the doctor, i hope i didnt catch anything from him! it makes my tummy feel crampy and like i shouldnt eat anything at all. i might go down the street later and get sports drinks for us both, dont want to lose too many electrolytes!

i'm usually not a thinspo kind of person, i mean i enjoy looking at pictures of pretty girls, epecially if they are a little bit arty or dramatic. but when i watch the video for Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' i get so jealous over the size of her waist and the crazy cool skimpy outfits she can wear, and i wish i were that thin too. there is this once scene where i am not sure it even IS gaga because the waist is SO tiny, and it doesnt look that tiny when she's dancing around. maybe they've digitally altered it for some reason, like they did with britneys video that time. but anyways, i find that video clip very inspiring.

dont really know what to do about that. guess i've been that way for at least the past couple of years. but i dont think i can continue to make excuses for my behavior.

i've only been awake for an hour and a half, but i have only had coffee and water so far. this is a change from my habit of eating breakfast as soon as i wake up- though that has only been going on for a few months. i'd been waking up STARVING hungry and eating whatever i could get my hands on the quickest.

in a little while i will go to my old work, drop off my uniforms, pick up my secret santa gift, and have a light soy iced latte. that will fill me up, give me energy and be lighter in calories than the caramel mocha with extra fudge i usually get. i'll take a peanut butter sammich to eat on the train before work and that can be my only food for the day. then tonight at work i'll have a hot chocolate in my break and smoke alot.

i miss the good old days, when i relished the feeling of hunger. it pleased me. i never let myself get so hungry that i would pass out, and i always ate a couple times a day. but i would go to bed hungry, and allow hunger to develop fully during the day before eating something small and light. lately i have been going to bed feeling sick from overeating, and not allowing hunger to develop at ALL, i have been eating preemptively. no more.

tonight i weigh in at 66.9 kilos. that is more than just fluctuation, that is a definite gain. i will lose those 2 kilos within the week for sure, and then i am back on track to get to gw1 60k.

i have been trying hard to ignore my eating habits. but i have been eating like crap. binging i guess is the word, i am eating twice as often as any other person in my family, except maybe the 11month old baby who eats every couple of hours, but its close. and i am eating utter CRAP. and forgetting that i've eaten. the other day i went to breakfast with my sister. it was actually an early lunch, i got this huge serving of fish and chips, a coke and two cappucinos. i told her that since i was working 1pm-10pm, it would probably be the only food i would get to eat. but by the time i had my break i'd forgotten about that big meal and figured i'd better get dinner. got a huge serving of nachos and a pepsi. later that night i got a hot chocolate and a box of chocolate waffles (i work at a chocolate cafe/shop, so i get a discount). way too much food, way too much unhealthy food, way too many calories, i felt utterly sick.

today i hate a date with jordan. i went into the city early to kill some time. went to a movie where i got popcorn and juice. afterwards i had a coffee with extra extra chocolate fudge and caramel syrup. doe dinner i had sushi, sugary iced tea, followed shortly by a mocha frappacino from starbucks and a choc dip/biscuits snack from the asian food store. i feel utterly sick.

so seeing as i am shortly (hopefully) going to be a student, i am going to endeavour to calorie "count" again. infrequent small meals. restricting. i'll be spending less money, losing more weight, feeling less sickly and most importantly, not stabbing my self esteem in the back by eating my feelings.

also it turns out my new job SUCKS. the manager is a grade a bitch, so are all the supervisors, the general staff are unfriendly- with a few exception- and i am not being given any opportunity to use my skills and prior experience within the company. they have me stuck on the floor, repetitively running out food and bussing tables like a bloody 15 year old who has never worked before, whislt the 15 yr olds who have never worked before are being pout straight onto register and shop. luckily my recent coffee shop manager put in a good word for me at their store where i have moved to and i have an interview on wednesday.it sounded like i was already hired and the meeting is to discuss the whens and wheres. but god i wish i knew NOW so i could quite this ridiculous waste of time chocolate shop.

cant wait for tomorrow. black coffee, diet coke, mineral water, raw veggies only.

its bene a while since i have posted here...or even read my friends page. i got sick of reading the same old things from teeny boppers who think they have the worst problems int he world because they have a crush on some guy who doesnt like them back...*sigh* i go offtrack.

anyways, i stopped visiting here because the people i was talking with werent posted here either. and i found it easier trying to live my life without speculating on it. i have tried moving my obsessive nature form thing to thing... trying not to let it settle too long on one thing to have too much of a harmful effect.

i did come close to admitting myself to hospital. but guilt on the silly inconveniences it would cause other people prevented me. theres a million things i could talk on what i have been doing the past few months, but i will just skip ahead to the most recent, and i feel, the most noteworthy.


life isnt a happy affair in this household. and to put it briefly, i blame myself for my fiances depression. i shouldnt be doing this, even though its true. i realised that if i am contributing to his unhappiness by being a certain way or not being certain things, then i have it in my power to change those things.

i am moving back to my parents. well technically, my parents and i are moving in with my brother.

my brother lives a very short distance from a store, part of chain that i used to work for interstate. the national manager actually called me when they were opening this store and asked me to manage it, but it was too far away. i am hoping that given they liked me enough to offer me amanagement job after i'd quit 5 years beforehand, they might take me on as a regular staff member.

i am going to study. i am going to enroll in soemthing law related and go to classes. no more illusions of distance education so i can work full time, etc. i dont do the work.so full time, face to face classes it is.

i will be living with people who know me to the very core and will not allow me to go without medical treatment and medication. they will go to great lengths to ensure i am not falling deeper into depression. people who i feel no need to lie to just to make sure they dont feel sad. not saying jordan doesnt support me, but i can fool him into thinking i am doing ok, becaus ei am trying to fool myself. parents are not so easily fooled.

so i am going to get my depression and anxiety dealt with.

i am going to work on my ED issues. no more starving myself and calorie restricting like crazy. no more eating my feelings at other times. i am going to find a way to exercise, eat better, lose this extra weight in a healhy way, and take care of my body so i deserve to inhabit it. no more looking bloated, haggard and old for my 27 years.

i am going to learn to roller skate and joing that damn roller derby team. i wont allow my fears to inhibit me anymore.

i am going to save money and have some security.

in short, i am going to become the person i most wish i could be. a person i deserve to be, a person Jordan wants and deserves to be with. the kind of person i maybe would already be if i hadnt allowed depression to win when i was just 15...

i am excited, but my heart also breaks. jordan and i are NOT breaking up, i would sooner die that choose to do that. we will remain engaged and endeavor to have "dates" as often as possible, what with us living 2 hours apart. and when we are prepared and ready, we will move in together again and will be the better for it. but i will miss him like crazy, and it will take much time to adjust to the change and the loneliness. and i am afraid that he will not wait for me, or that time and distance will separate us. i know i should stress on that now, i am doing what is best for myself, and therefore, our relationship, in the long run. but i cant help but cry at the idea that this could just be the start of a very slow break up. but i console myself with the knowledge that now i have felt this love with this person, i couldnt just throw it away for physical or immediate affections with another. if i couldnt have jordan, i shouldnt want another partner the rest of my life.

i am working on staying alive right now.

and not getting bigger.

nothing gets better if i get bigger.

everything gets better if i get smaller.

and everything gets infinitesimally better if i am dead.

but not thinking about that just now.trying anyway.

i have been dreaming about someone wanting me lately. the kind of dream i had when i was 10 and wanting to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or relationship of some sort. i find it incredibly sad that a 27 year old girl who is engaged is longing for that kind of base connection. told jordan tonight that i need more romance. attention, cuddles, compliments...but i have told him before and still get nothing... i sleep late trying to make these dreams last a bit longer...

the other day i dreamed of some guy holding my hand. HOLDING MY HAND that is all. and it almost made me cry. how can i be so lonely? how can he say he loves me and not want me at all? i dont get it.

i upset jordan big time this evening. we went to toowong for dinner, i stupidly ordered a veggie bugr combo (chips and diet coke) and it was hnorrible. no the chips were yummy, but the veggie "patty" was gross, and i felt so full it was yuk. jordan asked me where i wanted to go next and i said "to death". he told me it wasnt a very funny joke, to which i replied it wasnt a joke, and he got sad/quiet/cranky. which is understandable and fair enough...i just need him to know how i'm feeling at the moment. i cant seem to get the message across when i seriously tell him i'm not okay...but he cant seem to read between the lines and i cant tell him directly what i'm thinking, soo...it comes down to that.

i also told him i wanted to put a ban on junk food being in the house. of course, that wouldnt stop me from binging on whatever other food we might have, but it will help to regain my control. cause its when he brings home peanut m&m's or tells me he wants order 3 pizzas for dinner that is not helping me at all. but when i brought up this ban idea he got cranky cause he doesnt think he eats that much junk. but he does, hes just forgotten that its so junky because hes been eating that way for so long. and i told him i dont care what he eats, he can eat that stuff if he wants to, but he cant keep complaining about his body AND eating that way.

boo and snubs to junk food. i want to go and live on a deserted island where we could only eat fish and bananas.